Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why