Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I love the National Park Service.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.