My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
You Might Also Like
Did I do this right
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
🤣✨#caturday
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.