Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You Might Also Like
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
i love meeting boys on tinder
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.