I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment