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This is the coolest video you will see today.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.