Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table