What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
This is enough internet for the day.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.