I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?