The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded