Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*