My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Sharon, call the vet
sin harder.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
True
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single