What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
my nickname in college
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I can’t stop watching this.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history