Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.