I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
You Might Also Like
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Life with a cat in one tweet
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*