I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.