Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
You Might Also Like
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.