If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My time has come.