Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Rather alarming headline…
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!