Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron