“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.