Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
The news in a nutshell.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK