Me, scrolling to find my birth year
You Might Also Like
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Lmao
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers