The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.