Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
this chia pet tastes awful
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
calling in to work dehydrated
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse