Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
You Might Also Like
🏙👨🏼
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10