“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..