Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47