When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
United Steaks of America
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.