Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
We avoided this particular disaster
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
only 11 steps left
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.