Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..