rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
dude it’s called proctologist
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.