Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”