[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
pizza
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.