[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
🔦🌙👣
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
when someone rings the doorbell
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)