salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
twitter is a journey
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ