I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Sorry. Not sorry
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business