Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
You Might Also Like
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
starting a garage orchestra
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶