My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
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After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
RT if you know someone like this!!!
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.