*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Every damn time
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I can’t stop laughing at this