[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
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My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Hey I worked for it too!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
The game has officially changed 😎
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.