Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.