Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.