Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
How to wake up a Beagle
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”