The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
scrabbled eggs
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game