When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I’m dying louder than usual today.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.