WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
What the hell is going on?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.