Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Hamburger Hinderer.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud