I think I’m having a stroke
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.