Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.